Rion's Reflections
These Words from the Heart are a
Collection of Life Thoughts and Healing Words
by Brenda "Rion" Sewell

Learning to Heal Thyself

Saying NO

In the last few years, my life has changed drastically. I have regained memories lost for 26 years due to post traumatic amnesia. I have had three heart attacks, sustained respiratory arrest, broken and damaged my spine, have undergone two major abdominal surgeries, developed insulin-dependent diabetes, developed lupus, and degenerative disk disease.

Needless to say, trying to deal with the pain of lupus as well as the diminished abilities in my lifestyle, depression became a way of life for me, until one day .. I learned to say NO!

I said No to those people who kept expecting me to continue living my life according to their rules of society. I said No to people who continued to bring negative thoughts and vibes into my household. I said No to my own negative thoughts of suicide.

I realize now, the reason I kept failing to heal mentally was because I kept saying Yes. I had pushed myself to jump back into a lifestyle of frenzied haste.

When my memories returned in November 1997, I dropped into a depression so strong it threatened to eat me alive. Thoughts of suicide overwhelmed me constantly. I was told, “Get on with your life .. those memories are twenty-six years old”. Well, I said Yes to these people and tried to “get on with my life” and failed miserably.

Why? The memories may have been twenty-six years old to everyone else, but to me they were fresh and new. I had never come to terms with the memories, nor the emotions they invoked within my mind and heart. It wasn’t until I learned to place the memories, and the emotions they summoned, into perspective did I begin to heal.

The year 1998 was another turning point in my life. In August 1998, I went into respiratory arrest and had a heart attack. I then began showing advanced signs of lupus. I continued to push myself.

My health continued to worsen until I became unable to do the physical work I have done since 1973 .. training dogs. I finally said, “OK .. no more K-9 training; no more search and rescue training.” I hated it. I miss it, but until I heal I cannot say Yes and expect to continue to heal.

Being a realist, I know my health will very likely worsen because of the lupus. But you know what? I am not as discouraged as I was before learning to say NO. I am content with life and I continue to have hope of my health's improvement.

I have found a new spiritual quietness within me. There is a tranquility to life and I am seeing the results not only in my outlook on life, but the people I associate with are beginning to notice the change as well.

They come to my house to find a bit of peace in the garden sanctuary I have made in my yard. They come to sit in my house and just talk as it now contains a peace that was lacking in the past.

Saying NO is sometimes a good thing to try. Sometimes you have to say NO to survive life! You just have to remember that just because you have to say NO today, doesn't mean you can't say YES tomorrow!

© December 2001 Brenda “Rion” Sewell

Stepping Stones

Nestled at the foothills leading to Nirvana, there lay a peaceful meadow of beautiful flowers, shrubs of greenery, coarse weeds and brambles.  When gazed upon from afar, the colors of the flowers drew the beholder's eye to the beckoning beauty.

She followed a path to reach Nirvana, and as she grew closer, more details were seen of the meadow.  As she entered the meadow, individual plants came into view.  The beholder walked amongst the brambles and thorns growing up amidst the fragrant flowers.  She fought against the thorns, trying to fulfill her search for the peace she knew she needed to survive.

The brambles tore and clung to her clothing.  Reaching out to untangle the branches, she was forced to realize beneath the brambles were sweet delectable fruits.  If she had not paused, had not taken the time to unravel the thorns, she would never have noticed the nourishment at her feet.

Standing upright, she realized her quest had ended.  Her peace was not to be found in a meadow of pretty flowers.  Her peace was not to be found at the top of the mountain where no one could reach her.  She had found serenity by simply standing still and allowing peace to come to her.

In running to a place we feel will bring us peace, we sometimes overlook the obvious.  If you stand still, peace will come to you.

We must play by the rules life has dealt us, no matter how it makes us feel,
for sometimes the things we feel are the worst, are the stepping stones that help us heal.

© February 2001 Brenda "Rion" Sewell

    All literary works and original artwork by Rion on this page,
    unless otherwise noted, are the sole property of Brenda Sewell.
    I do not mind sharing but please ask me first.
    © 1998 - 2004 Brenda "Rion" Sewell

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